GO WEST, MY SONS... AND WIN.

CELTICS NOT TO BE INTIMIDATED BY REGGIE THEUS' ABS, LAVISHLY APPLIED COCONUT OIL, MUSTACHE STOLEN FROM RON JEREMY'S STUNT DOUBLE, ERRATIC CHEST HAIR, INVISIBLE NIPPLES, FRO, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT LEATHER THING HE HAS THROWN OVER HIS SHOULDER IS


Owning and operating the extremely lucrative enterprise known as I*Heart*Celtics puts us in a difficult position- right between the sissypants rah-rah dorks that frequent Celticsblog and the haters that, sadly, root for other teams. In all honesty, while Celtics fans can be (very, very) annoying and also can live in Delaware, they are nothing when compared to the morons that looove to hate on our boys in green. These troglodytes have been saying all season that the Celtics had an easy early schedule and that they had yet to play an elite Western Conference team on the road. Somehow, this is enough of an argument to discredit a 22-3 start, the best in the NBA. (Ironically, these people often give major props to the Trailblazers, who have won a whopping 3 games on the road this season out of 12 tries, but I digress.)

Here's why the Celtics will do well on this road trip, and the haters should choke on stale Christmas cookies until death:

1) Newsflash to Earth: the West isn't that good anymore! Do people realize that the Nuggets, who the Celtics absolutely curbstomped earlier in the season, are FOURTH in the West? Or that Tim Duncan and Tony Parker are banged up? Or that the Mavericks recently were OBLITERATED by the Toronto Raptors, who were then beaten so badly by the Celtics that our proud franchise was charged with a hate crime against Canadians? Or that the Suns (third in the conference) are playing .500 ball for their last ten games, including losses to the Timberwolves and the Heat!? Sure, the West has the reputation for being the elite conference for a reason, but the gap is much, much closer between the two conferences this year. I'm not even convinced there is a gap at all!

2) Here is the upcoming road schedule for the Celtics: Sacramento, Seattle, Utah, and the Lakers. The first two just flat-out suck, and even if the Kings were good, Brian Scalabrine has watched so much "Hang Time" that he can finish Reggie Theus' sentences. The third (Utah) is in a complete tailspin, complete with a European douchebag having a pouting match with his corpse-like coach and Jabba-like owner.

Now, the Lakers are a good team, but the Celtics already easily beat them earlier in the season. They are a tough team, to be sure, but beating the Lakers doesn't immediately make the Celtics a title contender, and losing to them doesn't make them a pretender, either. By the way, the Lakers are fifth in the conference and just beat the Suns (third in the conference), and most of Lakers' losses are, SURPRISE, to Eastern Conference teams.

3) The Celtics can't be blamed for their schedule. They have lost three games, all to quality (at least at the time) opponents- all by tiny margins or in overtime, or both. And, the Celtics could be undefeated if their coach hadn't called for ass-backwards endgame strategies. They are beatable- by good teams playing at their highest level. However, they haven't lost to any jokers (although the Cavs' recent performance isn't helping my argument here). What can a team do other than win the games they have to play? Criticizing the Celtics for not having a tough schedule is akin to criticizing Tom Hanks for not saving Battlefield Earth or Ishtar.

All in all, the Celtics should have a 4-0 road trip if they play their level of basketball, which is better than every team in the league at the moment. Then they have to return home to two Western Conference heavyweights- the Memphis Grizzlies (SO glad the C's didn't go for Pau Gasol, criminy...) and the Houston Rockets with a banged up (as always) Tracy McGrady. If Yao Ming ever played as big as his calves he would be averaging 80 points, 75 rebounds, and 30 blocks per game but instead he gets pushed around by anyone with a pulse and can't guard Tiny Tim.

So sure, I might get pissed when Doc draws up the only play capable of losing the game when you have the ball in a tie game with 5 seconds remaining, but the fact of the matter is that the Celtics haven't destroyed Western Conference contenders just because they haven't played them yet. It's only a matter of time, bitches, and if the Celtics fail I will simply blame Doc and/or say it was the slightly curdled eggnog talking.Source URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2007/12/go-west-my-sons-and-win.html
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