Player Preview: Brian Scalabrine

Full Name: Brian David Scalabrine
Born In: Long Beach, CA
Grew up in: Washington state
Height: 6'9"
Weight: Impossible to determine
Nickname: Veal
Website: Scalabrine.com
College: USC
College Major: American History or Social Science, depending on who you ask

Married To: Kristen Couch (2003)
Married In: Hawaii
Children: 1 (and 1 on the way)
Wife Is: A hottie (from what we hear)
Which Prompts Us to Give That Pasty Ginger: A golf clap

Posse: An unemployed environmental science teacher
Charity of Choice: Seeds of Peace

Brain Type for Basketball: Perfect. This is from NBA.com- "Here's an interesting fact -- Brian Scalabrine possesses the top brain type for basketball, according to brain researcher Dr. Jon Niednagel. That's one of the reasons GM Danny Ainge got him -- Scalabrine has a brain type similar to Jerry West, Larry Bird, and Michael Jordan."
What Should Happen To Those Doctors: Disbarred, defrocked, excommunicated... whatever the medical term is for "stripped naked and kicked out on the street"

Fancies Himself: The best driver on the team
Proved Himself: By driving like a maniac in his Isuzu Amigo to get Tony Allen and Tony Allen's mother to the hospital when TA blew out his knee last year

Unprecedented Career Move: Went from being known as a hardworking and underappreciated hustle machine to being known as an overpaid slob with no talent in only one season when he signed a contract with the Celtics.

Wait a minute, it might not be unprecedented: "Rivers remembers former Atlanta teammate Jon Koncak, an average big man who was given a six-year, $13 million contract in 1989. It was more money than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird made. ‘The year before he signed the contract he was one of the more popular players. The following year his numbers were exactly the same - exactly the same - and he got booed every single game.’ The seven-foot Koncak averaged 4.5 points and 4.9 rebounds over his 11-year NBA career. The fact is, Scalabrine might be an even better player, despite his role, despite his numbers. He has a keen mind for the game, he knows his place and he knows what he has to do. He could do without the booing, though."

Why Scalabrine Is NOT John Koncak: He gets paid more and his numbers are worse

Why Doc Rivers Can't Understand Why Scal Would Be Booed: He's retarded

How Scalabrine Describes the Booing: "It’s nationwide. When we were in Milwaukee it was like that. When we were in New York it was like that. It’s everywhere."

Cost of Brian Scalabrine Skills Video on Ebay:$39.95
Suggested Retail Price: $69.99

I*Heart*Celtics Interview With Scalabrine:


Endorsement Deal: SPAM











What He Does In His Free Time: Steal Shaq's donuts


Season Preview: Scalabrine will have a hard time getting minutes because the Celtics basically spent their whole offseason and draft improving the positions he plays. KG will get major minutes at the 4, and he's at least third in line at the "3" spot. However, unlike Celtics bench players of the past, the chances of him getting pulled over for doubling the speed limit while high and with a loaded gun under the seat are very, very small. Scal's role this season is "emergency backup", and if he is getting a lot of minutes, it probably means that the Celtics are kinda screwed. However, the public sentiment toward Scal will undoubtably improve because they will no longer suck and he will no longer be the poster boy for sucking. He also will no longer be the default "fat guy" to mock because Big Baby weighs about as much as an Orca. We predict that Scal will have basically an identical year to last year, but he won't be harassed nearly as much. In fact, the RealClearPolitics' research indicates that Scal's poll numbers are steadily rising... so go get 'em, you tubby ginger!Source URL: https://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2007/11/player-preview-brian-scalabrine.html
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