The NBA All-Star festivities are by far the best of any professional sport. There isn't much debate to this considering that the Pro Bowl is unwatchable and Bud Selig manages to F up the MLB All-Star game every year. With the addition of HORSE to this year's festivities, expectations were high for the NBA. In the end however, All-Star Weekend turned out to be pretty mediocre. While some attribute this to the way the recession has dried up most of the parties and NBA shenanigans, others feel its because superstars these days are becoming less competitive. I have a different theory. The lack of Gerald Green. From the artful craft of his dunks to the meticulous way he applies the salt to the fries at Burger King, good things happen when Gerald's around ( his tenure in Boston, Minnesota, and Dallas aside). Anyone with a pea for brain knows that Gerald Green makes life better and the All-Star Game is no exception. Here are just a few ways Gerald Green could have significantly improved All-Star Weekend:
Horse: The NBA really wanted to introduce Horse in style, so they invited the most charismatic, entertaining NBA superstars to partake in the event. Sadly, they all said no, and they had to settle for Joe Johnson the recluse, and the uber-shy Kevin Durant.
The game was pretty competitive, but there was a significant lack of smack-talk, and I'm pretty sure I saw Durant and Johnson holding hands for a brief moment towards the end. While both are pretty reserved, Gerald Green is outgoing and a little bit of a Dick. Paul Pierce taught him a thing or two about 'jawin' and it is likely he would have pissed both guys off to hell. For every shot attempt he would have done a 'birthday cake' dunk, a shot neither of his opponents could match, and would have the match won in a matter of a few thrilling minutes.
3 Point Contest: True, that Daquon Cook caught fire and torched the competition in the final round, but it was clear that Rashard Lewis choked and is a bit of a loser. He hit about 2 three's in the final round. Everyone knows Gerald Green drains 3 pointers in his sleep. Surely if given the opportunity, he would have pumped up his shoes and proceeded to kick Cook's ass. It probably would have been pretty even through the first round, until Cook realized that Gerald had been wearing a Dee Brown jersey the whole time and was shooting his tres blindfolded.
Skillz Competition: Gereald's Skills: Flips a juicy burger, makes awesome chocolate milkshakes, drains three's, slam dunks, wears his head band on the very top of his head. Derrick Rose's Skills: Decent handles, good passer, his JR Bacon Cheeseburger tastes like ass.
Shooting Stars: Everyone knows that while shooting stars sucks. It is better than the Pro Bowl, but it still sucks and it sucks hard. I don't even know how it works cause I would never watch that crap, but I know it involves a WNBA player and a washed up (usually balding or overweight) NBA player either teaming up or competing in a shooting contest. Sounds pretty lame. But, if we replaced all of the WNBA players with Gerald Green wearing a wig and replaced all the "shooting" with a combination of barefoot dunks, slams off ladders, and alley-oop, through the leg jams, we might be onto something.
Dunk Contest: A real letdown this year. Without Gerald in the competition, Dwight Howard coasted through most of it with lame "foul-line" dunks. After a lot of costumes, phone booths, dancing, and groaning (mostly by me) they awarded the title to Nate Robinson, for his ability to make a slam-dunk and be short at the same time. It was clear that Gerald carried Dwight through the competition last year and without him everything went to crap. The whole thing seemed more like Cosplay than a dunk contest, and I found the orgy of high-fives, chest bumps, and cooperation between Dwight and Nate a little disturbing. Everyone knows that Dwight Howard's only Kryptonite is Gerald Green in a Celtics jersey, not Nate Robinson with green balls.
Thankfully, there is reason to be optimistic. The Celtics just traded Sam Cassel for Sacramento's second round draft pick next year. Hopefully, they will use it to once again draft Gerald Green (this time from Pizza Hut) and the 2010 All-Star Game will be saved.Source URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2009/02/all-star-weekend-sucked-wwgd.html
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