THE CELTICS CAN'T BEAT THE F-ING WIZARDS

Jamison said he was fouled on this shot, and I'm not even joking



Alright homies and homegirls, I was at the debacle of a basketball game last night at the Verizon Center. I was angry, I went to bed mad hoping to sleep it off, and guess what? This morning I am still pissed off. Number one, I was conveniently seated next to the most annoying Celtics fans of all time- you may object to this, but there was a white dude wearing a Garnett jersey with a blue SCARF and a do-rag. And... this guy was standing up and flapping his arms like a friggin' tourettes-stricken albatross every time the Celtics did something good. Granted, that was only three times in the whole game, but it was still annoying.

But, far more awful was the performance on the court. I know what you'll say- "The Celtics already have home court advantage!" or "This game meant a lot more to the Wizards!" Fair points, but I am guessing that you didn't watch the game, or any of the three straight losses to the Wizards this year, if you are making those arguments. Here's how I am going to break it down-

1) The Celtics are 1-3* against the Wizards this season. Here are the results:

Back in November, opening night, the Celtics beat the Wizards at home 103-83. Since then...

@ Wizards, January 12. Lost 85-78.
Home January 14. Lost 88-85.
@ Wizards, April 9. Lost 109-95.

What do you notice about these games? THE CELTICS CAN'T SCORE AGAINST THE WIZARDS. Why is anybody's guess... no wait, it's because the Celtics basically have a 1-1 assist-to-turnover ratio against the Wizards. There were at least three times last night when a Celtic took the ball at the TOP OF THE KEY and drove like a manic INTO THREE DEFENDERS IN THE PAINT resulting in a deflections that led to basically uncontested dunks. Pretty frustrating...

What's so confounding is that the Wizards are at best a not-too-crappy defensive team, but against the Celtics they get a deflection every other possession. They jacked up a ton of threes last night and hoped they could get the offensive rebound when they missed. This is a desperate strategy of an inferior team, not a game plan for a championship contender, dammit! But I have to say it, folks...

2) Rondo doesn't do enough against the Wizards. He can't get to the rim. He got some garbage assists last night swinging the ball around for threes, but he can't get to the rim. Now, Stevenson and Daniels are both very good defenders, but the Celtics need to find a way to free Rondo up because their offense looks about as graceful as this boutique owner on a runway.


3) I'd like to disqualify Doc Rivers from any Coach of the Year discussion immediately because he matched 300-pound Glen Big Baby Davis up against Antwan Jamison, a quick, slipperly little eel of a player. I think that Doc believes anyone with a mohawk can accomplish anything, but listen Doc, shaving the sides of your head down the the skin doesn't drop 75 pounds and allow that fatass to guard an All-Star swing player. As you might have guessed, he got torched. Even the Mavs dumbass coach wouldn't match Eric Dampier up with Grant Hill. MEMO TO DOC- DON'T PLAY YOUR FATTEST PLAYER AGAINST THE OPPOSITIONS QUICKEST, CRAFTIEST PLAYER. Does he even READ this blog!?

4) The Celtics can't guard Jamison. If he's not slashing to the basket or draining threes, he's grabbing a billion rebounds and drawing fouls. Now, I just mocked Doc for playing GBBD against him, but it's not like anyone else was doing much better. That's a major problem.

5) Don't for a second think that this loss was inconsequential. This year, head to head, the Celtics own the Magic, the Celtics own the Pistons, and the Celtics own the Western Conference. Very nice job, they're an outstanding team. HOWEVER, the Celtics are the 1 seed, and the Cavs and the Wizards will play as the 4 and 5, meaning the Celtics will match up against a team that they either haven't beaten consistently (Cavs) or a team they haven't beaten since who knows when. Consider me NERVOUS.

It's been a weird year because I haven't had much to bitch about, but if you think that Doc Rivers is capable of directing this team in crunch time, you're nuts. The Celtics match up terribly against them, they had a terrible game plan which they executed terribly. They have proven that they are incapable of beating the Washington frikkin' Wizards... I feel like Brian Scalabrine after his 1 minute, 1 turnover, 1 triple crown performance last night.

*originally I screwed this up, thanks for the heads up SullivanSource URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2008/04/celtics-can-beat-f-ing-wizards.html
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