It is a stressful time. The Celtics are in the playoffs and Vegas has given them 3-2 odds to win it all. The Wizards or Cavs loom in round two, neither of which the Celtics has demonstrated the propensity to defeat on a regular basis. Doc Rivers and the Celtics have been coasting for the last month, which never seems to work out for anybody. Doc Rivers is still enrolled in Special Ed coaching classes. Pictures of Brian Doo enthusiastically diddling a comatose Sam Cassell are circulating the interwebs. (See below, NSFW) Worst of all, Kevin Garnett apparently has given himself a new nickname- The Cobra.
Putting aside the obvious lameness of "The Cobra" as a nickname, giving yourself a nickname AT ALL is exclusively the realm of egomaniacs and unstable coddled performers who have alter egos. (See, Mariah Carey and her "Me Me" alter ego.) In the NBA, almost all nicknames are bestowed, take for example Boobie Miles. Worst nickname ever, and he probably didn't even want that one. Too bad. I don't think Stacey Augmon showed up at UNLV practice and announced, "I am the Plastic Man, bitches."
Now, Kobe Bryant tried to launch the "Black Mamba" nickname campaign, which was met with about as much enthusasim as his Nike symbol that looks like a penis. Nobody calls Kobe "Black Mamba" unless they are being sarcastic. Now, to his credit, he has played very well since unveiling the new nickname. The same thing is true about "The Big Aristotle," Shaquille O'Neal. No one calls him that because he's "all about numbers," they call him that because he's a moron.
On the other hand, Kobe is just a flat-out douche, Shaq does everything tongue-in-cheek, whereas KG is friggin' crazy. This is a guy that used to be best buds with Stephon Marbury (see above). This is a guy that once went on a rambling missive about arming himself for war while referring to a basketball game (paving the way for Kellen Winslow, who got a TON more crap for his rant). This is a guy that flips out during meaningless games and gets into sissyfights with weird randoms (paging Anthony Peeler and Antonio McDyess). This is a guy that really, really wanted to stay in Minnesota even when the team was horrible and everyone knew the management was a disaster. Worst of all, this is a guy who is quietly known by those who follow the league as a guy that, at best, doesn't do much in close games, and at worst, chokes in close games- not because he's afraid of failure but because he's too wound up. Now, perhaps that is all behind him and he's so loose that he's joking around. I hope that's what it is. Unfortunately, I am leaning towards "First Step Toward Complete Meltdown" side of things. The pressure is high and KG has been freaking out in games he's supposed to be just chilling out and watching.
Here's what KG needs to do, immediately.
1) Take a day off completely. This includes talking to the press and watching basketball on TV.
2) Do something Buddhist.
3) Stay the hell away from unstable people. That means Brian Doo. If you don't believe me, check out that picture again. What the hell.
4) Work on some Mikan Drills, because no one in the Eastern Conference can guard KG in the post and nothing builds confidence like layups.
5) Forget this "Cobra" idea ever happened. Deny, deny, deny.
I think we can work through this, play great in the playoffs, and cement KG's legacy as one of the great power forwards of all time. It's going to be an uphill battle, though...Source URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2008/04/garnett-gives-himself-new-nickname-bp.html
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