Boston VS Los Angeles

We will break down the basketball matchup today, as well, but first we have to get something out of the way. This is a battle between two mighty sports cities. Which one is better? I*Heart*Celtics investigates.


HISTORY: This one is easy- by the time LA existed, tiny Boston had already beaten the sh*t out of the British Empire. By the time LA was 15 years old, Bostonians had already laid the smacketh down on the South, as well. Bostonians founded this country, LA's biggest contribution to American history is the foundation of the porn industry, and I am pretty sure Benjamin Franklin (born & raised in Boston) invented that right between bifocals and the postal service anyway. This could be broken down into a million different subcategories and Boston would win every one. Dominant victory for Boston.

AESTHETIC BEAUTY: No matter how hard the robot-humping dorks at MIT try, they will never destroy the fact that Boston is a gorgeous coastal city whereas people would rather look at the "Hollywood" plastered to the side of a hill than the abomination that is LA. LA looks like crap. Boston has the Charles River, LA has Hollywood Boulevard filled with transvestite prostitutes. LA's nice weather makes LA look nice, but Boston is beautiful au naturale.


Boston





Los Angeles




WEATHER
Um... LA wins. Although, I can attest from personal experience that nice weather makes you a wuss, which is probably why LA fans are such ninnies. However, I'd rather have a snowday in the sixth grade than earthquake practice. Just sayin'. Anyway, LA's weather dominates.


NATURAL DISASTERS: LA has earthquakes and random devastating fires, and I remember learning in fifth grade that part of California is going to break off into the ocean at some point. Boston has Hurricane Bob. LA's weather is great until you get set on fire and fall into a huge crack into the bubbling magma at the center of the earth. Boston wins.

EXPENSE: Both cities are very, very expensive. I have read articles about how Boston is the worst, how LA is the worst, and how New York is the worst... it all depends on what criteria you're using. However, according to this list, Los Angeles is .4 more expensive than Montreal. What this means, nobody knows, but I can say this- anyone who has driven in LA has received at least one speeding ticket and one parking ticket. In Boston, parking is such a nightmare that you wind up giving a bum $50 to torch your car. Call this one a wash, with maybe a slight edge to LA.


PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION: Boston has the trusty T, which is utilitarian at best. However, Boston's public transport system might as well be a jetpack for every citizen compared to LA. LA has some buses that some people use and a rail line that practically nobody uses. Pretty smart, considering LA has the worst traffic in the universe.

TRAFFIC: Boston's is tough, but thank your lucky stars you're not in LA. (Although I find this list a little dubious because NYC isn't in there... whatever.) The entire city of LA and the surrounding area is a giant parking lot filled with coked-out actresses on 15-calorie-a-day diets. The only time the roads are clear is when there is a gigantic police chase. Police chases are so common in LA that CNN's midday programming 10am-2pm is simply, "Live Police Chases from Los Angeles."

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION: While LA has a gigantic illegal immigration problem, Boston's illegal immigrants are all gainfully employed landscaping former Governor Romney's lawn. Advantage Boston.

RAP/HIP HOP: LA has NWA, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube... Snoop... Del the Funkee Homosapien... Tupac... Boston has these guys. This is where the gang wars really work to LA's advantage. The number of gang members and the quality of rap is pretty much a direct correlation, or at least it was in rap's heydey of the 90's. It also doesn't help that Boston rappers don't do anything noteworthy other than stab Paul Pierce 11 times.


HIPPIE BANDS: On the other hand, the number of gang members and the quality of jam bands is inversely correlated. A direct correlation would be the number of people who haven't showered in a month selling grilled cheese sandwiches and ganja goo balls in a parking lot to quality of jam band music. I digress. If LA has a great hippie band to call its own, I haven't heard of them. Not that I am an expert on this topic. However, I had to listen to Nic and his greasy friends in high school mumble about the Slip for roughly 2,000 hours. Guster (also based out of Boston) may be kind of annoying, but not annoying enough to ruin this one for Boston. Big victory.

PUNK: LA has the Descendants and Bad Religion and a million other annoying-ass knockoffs. Boston has the Dropkick Murphys and I guess the Mighty Mighty Bosstones... LA wins this one. Crushing victory.

INDIE CRED: Boston has the Dresden Dolls. LA has the Silversun Pickups. Advantage LA... but then again THE FREAKING PIXIES ARE FROM BOSTON! Dominant victory for Boston. Nobody will ever defeat Boston in this category for that reason.

CLASSIC ROCK BANDS: LA has Guns N Roses, Boston has Aerosmith. Tough one to call. Let's go to the second bananas- Buffalo Springfield versus Boston (the band). LA also has Van Halen, the Beach Boys and Metallica. Boston (the city) is officially on the ropes. Now, you would think that the death blow would be the fact that Frank Zappa was based out of LA. You would be wrong, because the Eagles, a black hole of suck, are also from LA which gives Boston the win by way of disqualification. Because the Eagles call LA home, the whole city is relegated to the status of an unbearable cacophonous hellhole.

MOVIES SET IN THE CITY: I thought this one would be close, especially with the recent run for Boston (Good Will Hunting, Mystic River, the Departed, Gone Baby Gone)... but holy crap are there a ton of movies set in LA. It's ridiculous. There may be one horrible movie that would immediately disqualify them but there's no way I am going to read that list too closely. I know for a fact that LA never crapped out Celtic Pride or Fever Pitch. LA wins this one by the biggest landslide so far.


TV SHOWS SET IN THE CITY: Boston has Cheers, Boston Legal, The Practice, Lucky Louie, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and apparently the last years of Dawson's Creek. That's a murderer's row of TV shows. Los Angeles, however, has Saved By the Bell, so if I gave this one to Boston I know I would be slaughtered in my sleep by my I*Heart*Celtics compadres. (There are a billion shows set in LA- here's a list.)

COPS: Based on movies about Boston, it is clear that Massachusetts cops as a whole are completely corrupt. On the other hand, the LAPD has a very similar reputation based on what rappers say about them. The breaking point here is that LAPD will give you enough tickets for no reason to push you into bankruptcy. Additionally, I get the impression from rap songs that the LAPD is ALWAYS in your business. On the other hand, based on movie portrayals of Boston cops, all you have to do is not do tons of coke and hang out in Southie and you won't have any problems. Advantage Boston.

REAL WORLD SEASON:I don't watch this show, other than one Real World: Hawaii marathon with I*Heart*Celtics groupie Leif back in high school. It was a magical night. The Boston season was in 1994 and had a chick that fell for a drag queen. The LA season was a trendsetter, apparently, since it was the second season and dealt with a lot of racism. All I know is that I saw about five minutes of this season's Real World: Hollywood and I almost joined al-Qaeda. This has to be an advantage for Boston just by default.


MAYORS: Menino is unintelligible. He also once said that the parking shortage in Boston was "an Alcatraz around my neck." However, Antonio Villaraigosa 1) Attended a non-State Bar accredited law school and flunked the bar 4 times (never passing), 2) Combined his last name with his wife's (Villar + Raigosa = Villaraigosa), which is just about the stupidest idea ever, 3) banged his friend's wife while his own wife was recovering from thyroid cancer, 4) banged a reporter, made an outrageous public nonapology and divorced his wife, 5) kept his fused last name. He is a first-class douche and LA deserves him. Boston wins.


GANGS: LA is the gang capital of the United States. There are over 1,300 gangs, 150,000 gangsters, and Paul Pierce appears to be connected with all of them. Boston does have the #2 FBI's most wanted as an alum (Whitey Bulger), but the fact that if all of those gangsters from LA would constitute 1/5 of the entire population of Boston... LA 'wins' this one. Congratulations, you suck!


RIOTS: These are two cities known for their riots. Boston had the race riots after MLK was shot and some horrific white-on-black violence in response to the court-mandated busing in the 70's. However, LA had the Watts riots in '68... as well as the riots after the Rodney King trial in 1992. Boston's were horrendous, but LA has riots named after them. The LA riots set the standard for outrageous riots that hopefully will never be topped. HOWEVER!!! The troglodytes at Northeastern riot if the Red Sox win the spring training game against BC. Los Angeles, incredibly, win this category for not having a riot since 1992. Keep up the good work.

SCHOOL SYSTEM: Neither is setting the world on fire, but based at least the Boston school system has the chick from Star Trek and Michael Rappaport teaching in it. Advantage Boston.

COLLEGES/UNIVERSITIES: LA has better public universities, this is true. USC might buy you a vacation home to go there, or let you start at point if your dad is a famous rapper, but it doesn't come close to the Murderer's Row of great universities in Boston. Boston wins in a landslide, although Harvey Mansfield gives Boston's universities a D+.

FANDOM: This isn't even close. LA fans are known to suck, and have for years. LA is a terrible sports town. Advantage Boston.

CONNECTION TO THE PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL TEAM FROM THE 80's: This is the last criteria. I would say it's pretty even but I am not going to bother keeping score. The 1980's Celtics were mostly white, working class, always ready for a fight, and ugly as hell. Their symbol is a shamrock, their color is green, and they're called the Celtics. That's pretty representative of Boston (more so in the 80's than now, but still).

Now, the Lakers. First of all, we've all known for decades that the name "Lakers" is the stupidest in sports outside maybe of the Utah Jazz or any WNBA team. LA has about as much to do with lakes as AC Green has to do with the Bunny Ranch. However, this whole "LA is just like the Showtime Lakers" is a little bit more problematic because this can be perceived as an insult. Why, you ask? Well, I don't want to step on any toes here... but the star got HIV for banging thousands of dirty chicks while married and another was busted with a bunch of prostitutes. I mean... I am just going to give LA a backhanded compliment and say that LA has no kind of relationship with the nostalgic team like Boston does with theirs. Boston loves the Celtics like no other NBA city loves their team. Sure, there have been bandwagon fans, i.e. everyone in a #5 jersey, but they do care.

From this scientific study, Boston wins 4-2 over LA, mostly because I really, really, REALLY hate the Eagles. Go Celtics.Source URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2008/06/boston-vs-los-angeles.html
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