Last year we did this at the end of April, this year we went on a couple month long bender after the Celtics' title (as you can tell by the lack of posting in the summer). So, sorry faithful readers, but better late than never, so in honor of the season opener today, we bring the top crimes of the year. We counted 32 crimes worth noting, so here goes! And, as always, if we've forgotten something, leave it in the comments and we'll amend the post.
32) Fresh off signing a two-year, $4.6 million contract, SMUSH PARKER decided to put a female valet into a bridging downing double chicken wing over a $12 charge. While this did pretty much prove that Smush was not "flaccid," like Sensei Phil Jackson once alleged, it did not help his basketball career much. Smush was waived by the Heat, Clips and Nuggets. The case is still under investigation because the valet alleges she suffered nerve damage. I'd encourage her to take what she can get because her chances of getting a big settlement out of Smush decreases exponentially with every passing day he is out of the league. Suing NBA players can be lucrative... ex-NBA players.... not so much... in a month, she'll be lucky to get an hand-me-down Icy Hot sleeve and a pack of Juicy Fruit from him.
31) Every calender year, one player is the first to be included in a "NBA player involved in strip club fracas" story. Enter former Celtic RON MERCER! He punched a bouncer while his buddy stabbed him. I would like to know how these fracases start. First, strip clubs are where undersexed losers go to masterbate in the dark. They pay meth addicts to pretend to enjoy their company by listlessly humping a metal pole whilst naked. These men listen to 80's glam metal played by a fat guy in a ponytail. Yet, somehow in this depressing environment, professional athletes have the gumption get into fistfights and/or gunfights with strangers. WHY!? What's the point? What's the best-case scenario there? I ask you this question- who would want to engage in fisticuffs in a dark sweaty room full of boners!?!?
30) JOSH HOWARD ADMITS TO SMOKING POT!
An incredible amount of righteous anger is directed towards pot smokers in the NBA. The nerve of these guys! Sure, many players have kids they never see (some may number in the dozens!), many have DUI's, and there has been a recent MVP that was accused of rape and convicted in the court of public opinion of being a horrible human being. The people that cover the NBA don't really talk about how Michael Jordan's gambling led to his first "retirement"... which is far more scandalous. We'll get to Karl Malone later, too. But man, when Josh Howard said he sometimes smoked a little reefer in the offseason, the set of "Around the Horn" burst into flames, and Josh Howard then smoked it, completing the circle of life.
29) SHELDEN WILLIAMS didn't do anything wrong this time. The former Duke star that was once accused of rape (not convicted) was getting in his car to drive to a game against the Charlotte Bobcats when he was thrown out Grand Theft Auto-style in, well, an auto theft. Playing in the NBA immediately immerses you in the criminal underworld just because the only profession in America with more violent criminals in the workforce is the license plate factory at Pelican Bay State Prison. Thankfully, Williams wasn't harmed, and the perps were busted, and then subsequently signed letters of intent to play at Memphis under John Calipari. You'll have to Google to fact-check the second part of that sentence, because I'm not telling whether I made it up or not. Anyway, Williams could expect to have his car stolen by one of his teammates, but who would suspect someone off the street!?
28) Or worse, in your house! Eddie Curry and old friend Antoine "Fat Panda" Walker were both bound with duct tape in Chicago and robbed blind last July. It was difficult for me to imagine a more terrifying scenario, but then the Celtics signed Patrick O'Bryant as their backup center and I immediately sojourned to my panic room.
27)
JAMESON CURRY arrested for public urination. This may be a minor offense, but it comes alongside the most humiliating two-line AP story perhaps of an NBA criminal. Ever. Here it is, in its entirety.
NEW YORK (AP) — Chicago's JamesOn Curry was suspended for one game by the NBA on Thursday after the Bulls guard pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors in Idaho.
Curry was arrested in January and pleaded guilty to resisting arrest and urinating in public. A second-round draft pick in 2007, Curry spent most of his season in the Developmental League.
-The Associated Press
Straight facts, and virtually every word is either insulting or demeaning. D-League, suspended, arrested, Idaho, second-round, JamesOn, and D-League. Ouch. That's quite a shaming for just peeing in an alley and running from the cops...
26) JOAKIM NOAH was busted for a litany of offenses that surprised nobody. Who would have guessed that this incoherent freakdancing d-bag would get cited for a misdemeanor pot charge, having an open container of alcohol and driving without a seatbelt. These crimes are perfect for Noah. Goofy, mostly benign but infinitely stupid, and hilarious in a laugh-at-you-not-with-you kind of way. Noah doesn't seem too concerned, as he spent most of his offseason banging some soccer player's girlfriend. Now, the obligatory Joakim Noah video that accompanies every damn post we do about this hooligan:
25) DAVID HARRISON suspended five games for testing positive for marijuana. What a stupid rule, and highly hypocritical for the league. If they were really worried about the league's image, Harrison would have been banned from the league forever for appearing on the Real World.
24) WILL BYNUM throws himself into the Middle East conflict. Criticize us all you want for using the term "NBA" very, very loosely in this case, but Bynum deserves a place on this list for celebrating his birthday by allegedly running over an Israeli DJ in his Mercedes. That's no mitzfah for the people involved, but it is for us at I*Heart*Celtics!
23) BRAD MILLER was not arrested for anything, but he did just get suspended five games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. With Chris "Birdman" Anderson coming off of a more lengthly suspension, this latest development means that 75% of the white players in the NBA are former or current drug addicts. Why this didn't get more attention, considering this guy was on the supposed "DREAM TEAM," I will never understand. I'm sure you've heard about Noah, Howard, and Harrison, but Miller has been impervious to criticism. There's a good chance that you are a fan of the NBA but you may be reading about this for the first time. Can anyone explain why?
22) RASUAL BUTLER was arrested for pointing an unregistered handgun into a crowd of people at a nightclub at 5am Monday morning. Apparently Rasual likes to get a jump start on the week by getting up extra early on Monday. Stephen Jackson is planning to sue for copyright infringement.
21) DENNIS RODMAN was given three years probation for smacking around the mother of some of his kids. There are many parts of this story that are hilarious, but tops is the fact that he's going to be cleaning a roadway in LA (or Florida, even better). Bonus points to the Los Angeles Times for mentioning that Rodman starred in the movie "Double Team."
20) While Dennis Rodman has anger issues, JR RIDER took it up a notch by attacking his taxi driver. Rider is a fascinating study in escalating crimes. He started out throwing milkshakes at Jack-in-the-Box workers at the drive-thru in college, hit a few women, ran a cellphone scam, and gambled in public. Sprinkled in between these crimes are a few drug charges. Now, he's brandishing illegal firearms in taxicab disputes and being investigated for auto theft. Is a "fire in the hole" a gateway crime?
19) Part-owner of Sacramento Kings ROBERT HEINREICH started the holiday party season off right last year by getting arrested for two counts of second-degree criminal trespass, harassment and domestic violence. Underrated NBA crime franchise, by the way, the Sacramento Kings. Even the executives get arrested for domestic violence. Is that worse than your coach getting popped for a DUI during the preseason, or Ron Artest starving his own dogs half to death? That's for YOU to decide!
18) HENRY JAMES was arrested for selling crack to a police officer. Now, you may know Henry James as a legendary literary critic and author in the late 1800's and early 1900's, but he also played in the NBA. James' writeup in the paper contains perhaps the most depressing sentence ever written (in bold):
James was originally charged with two counts of the felony for selling a total of $750 in crack to an undercover police officer Aug. 30 and Sept. 7, according to an affidavit filed in U.S. District Court, Northern District of Indiana. One count was dropped as part of the plea agreement.
He was arrested after the second deal, to which he brought several children with him in his vehicle, said Geller, who could not confirm if they were James' children.
James is set to serve five years in federal prison.
17) LAKERS OWNER GETS A DUI. Driving at 1am while under the influence of being 74 years old is bad enough, but Jerry Buss was also piss drunk and cruising down the wrong side of the road when he was pulled over. Always a gentlemen, the police commended him for being "relatively cooperative" while in custody.
16) ANDRAY BLATCHE ARRESTED FOR SOLICITING SEX FROM UNDERCOVER POLICE OFFICER
Alright, this is definitely the most mysterious (or mystifying) crime on this list. Andray is about to sign a long-term deal with the Wizards (supposedly five years, about $13 million). This is despite the fact that he was suckered into a carjacking and got shot during his rookie year, he eats nachos in the locker room before games, he parties hard every night he's on the road, and spent his money so fast that he slept at the Verizon Center because he couldn't make his rent check. (Read this for all the details.) Back to the crime. Remember, a multi-million dollar offer is on the table at this point, ready to be signed.
First, Blatche was apparently with a "male acquaintance" at midnight on a Thursday. Thomas Circle in DC is a dicey-ass area at that time of night. Not necessarily dangerous, but lots and lots of crackheads. Homeless crackheads as far as the eye can see. Now, Andray is an NBA player, there are plenty of women I'm sure who would love to have sex with him that are out on Thursday night. (He's also very popular in DC.) So why bring your buddy along to pay for sex with a crackhead!? If you were going to pay a crackhead for sex, wouldn't you want exactly ZERO people you're friendly with to know about it!? So many unanswered questions...
Anyway, the charges were dropped after Blatche took a course for men that solicit prostitutes, and he signed a nice deal with the Wizards anyway. Unfortunately, he was arrested later for a reckless driving and driving with a suspended license. FYI, going above 80mph gives you a reckless driving charge in Virginia, no joke. We'll try to keep you posted on any further developments.
15) MARVIN "BAD NEWS" BARNES ARRESTED FOR COCAINE POSSESSION
Cocaine possession isn't all that bad for Bad News Barnes, who, as pointed out by this outstanding post by Basketbawful, has had an incredible NBA crime record:
Marvin "Bad News" Barnes -- who received his nickname for various off-the-court problems, like (allegedly) attacking Providence teammate Larry Ketvirtis with a tire iron -- was one of the NBA's great wasted talents. Cocaine abuse destroyed his body and cut short what many people thought could have been a Hall of Fame career, and Barnes has since been arrested for trespassing, stealing videotapes from an adult movie store, being under the influence of narcotics, and burglary. The awesomest of his arrests came after he robbed a liquor store in broad daylight while wearing a basketball jersey with his name on the back. Oh yes he did.
Other professional athletes to be arrested wearing their own jerseys- Chris Henry of Bengals fame and, of course, Kwame Brown.
14) KEON CLARK GOES TO PRISON
While doing exhaustive research for this crime, I stumbled upon this little nugget.
Legend has it he showed up at his introductory press conference [at UNLV] the next day and asked a local cameraman where he could buy some pot.
Nice! Keon Clark is one strange dude, and his legal problems reflect that. He's also a habitual substance abuser who "never played a game sober." Keon has mostly been busted for substance issues/unregistered handgun issues over the years, and his legal problems finally caught up to him in 2007 when he was sentenced to 30 months in prison, and while in prison, was sentenced to another year in prison. Poor Keon needed to surround himself with better people, because if your lawyer delivers you a 30-month sentence for driving with a suspended license and tries to argue that you're insane... you need a better lawyer. Anyway, one of the strangest aspects of owning a blog is the fact that sometimes months after you write a post, some weirdo will write a detailed comment about it. Here's one that we got after this post:
Anonymous said...
that man aint crazy .... he is just goin through a thang.... dissin on his ability to play ball and him riding a scooter.... damn g ... cant the man have fun and ride a scooter... bein rich or not he should still be able to do his thang.... kc is a great ball player.. he did make sum mistakes but he is dealin wit them now.. im sure if he could go back and change things he would...
"keon Clark" the anti-drug... cum on.. you gotta do betta than that... what you really know bout that man? do you know him personally???? if not then why you talkin out the side of yo neck bout him and his "drug problem".. it is well known that kc has a drug problem but yall need to stop talkin so reckless bout him, when you only know what you read and you dont know him personally....
i do know him personally, and yall outta character for talkin that mess bout him....
he is a great man and he does have great qualities in him....
i was wit that man for 2 years,..... and i know 1st hand that what yall is readin aint how it is in real life... and that is real talk....
find a new topic to talk about...
dont ya think he gotta enough on his plate wit out all this mess.....
Hope Keon gets his act together in prison. First things first, firing that clown of a lawyer he has. He should be sentenced to 30 months in prison for allowing a client to get sentenced to 30 months for a suspended license charge.
13) JAMES POSEY GETS POPPED FOR A DUI After stopping in the middle of a two-lane road and chit-chatting with motorists, police approached him and smelled booze on the slurring former Celtic. He was arrested and charged with DUI, and released this outrageous statement through his team at the time, the Miami Heat.
"Please know that I was neither intoxicated nor was I driving at the time," Posey said. "However, out of respect to the police, and to the legal process which must follow, it would be inappropriate for me to comment further at this moment."
Posey wound up pleading guilty to a reckless driving charge (since there is no reckless parking charge), got probation, and was suspended for his first game with the Celtics as a result.
12) SKIP 2 MY LOU SPITS ON VALET; STABS DUDE AT NIGHTCLUB
Valets had a tough year dealing with NBA players. When they weren't being put into the crippler crossface by Smush Parker, they were getting spit on by Rafer Alston. Alston allegedly drunkenly slobbered or spit on the parking attendant. A few weeks later, he was accused of slashing somebody's throat at a nightclub in NYC. Here is my mathematical equation regarding getting into "incidents" at nightclubs.
[(Size of entourage x Hours after midnight + Number of street ball nicknames)/(Years Spent At College)]^Years Spent at Fresno State = Number of nightclub incidents per year
11) VIN BAKER DUI
The bigger news story might have been, "Vin Baker spotted driving while sober," but the fact that the guy that the Celtics had for a max deal a few years back was busted driving from Foxwoods while hammered inspired a whole new jingle for the resort and casino courtesy of Sullivan:
Vin took a chance, made it happen,
Popped a cork, took shots of Captain
Spins the (steering) wheel, and round and round he goes,
Life ain't good, life ain't sweet,
In Vin Baker's driver's seat,
Hit the street and had a ball,
Vin Baker, the wonder of it all...
10) JASON CAFFEY SKIPS OUT ON CHILD SUPPORT
The salaries of NBA players never cease to confound us over here at I*Heart*Celtics. The finances after they are paid their salaries are even more difficult to understand. While Scottie Pippen is making bank on farm subsidies, he's also playing random exhibition games overseas and not tipping anyone. Meanwhile, Jason Caffey is driving a $350,000 car. You'd think it would be the other way around. But, then you realize that Caffey has (by my last count) 10 children by 8 different women. Holy crap. Do yourself a favor and read this fantastic post at 100% Injury Rate.
9) WOMAN GETS RAPED DURING SLEEPOVER AT MARQUIS DANIELS' HOUSE
Now, Marquis Daniels didn't do anything wrong himself here, other than associate with incredibly sketchy and probably horrible human beings, but this story gets a top-ten spot due to the fact that it involves Marquis Daniels, and any story involving Marquis Daniels allows me to remind everybody that he has a tattoo of a huge map of Florida on his back and a tattoo of a man shooting himself in the face with a shotgun on his arm.
8) SHAWNE WILLIAMS' BEST BUDDY ARRESTED FOR MURDER AT HIS HOUSE
While Marquis Daniels' buddies allegedly rape people, Daniels Pacers teammate (at the time) Shawne Williams hangs out with legit (alleged) MURDERERS. This is the same guy that got busted for a weapons charge in Williams' car earlier in the year. Shawne doesn't seem to understand that the more you hang out with these characters, the less of a chance you have of signing a long-term contract. Sure, you might bounce around the league JR Rider style, but show me a guy with a long-term deal whose day-to-day entourage is filled with violent felons. There may be a couple out there, but certainly none with Shawne Williams' career numbers and potential. But hey, Shawne always has that one year spent skipping classes at Memphis on his resume. So there's that.
7) JAMAAL TINSLEY GETS IN HIGH-SPEED SHOOTOUT
If you have "Jamaal Tinsley" in your Google news alerts, as I do, you'd know that most of the information about this oft-injured, double-chinned point guard has to do with his attitude problems, injuries, and "scrapes" with the law. I love that term, "scrapes" with the law. It's all context, really. Among my mild-mannered co-workers and peers, I guess you could say that I have had some "scrapes" with the law when I was dealt speeding tickets. In the NBA, however, having a "scrape" with the law means leaving an Indianapolis strip club at the wee hours of the morning, blasting 100mph down the street with another strip club patron in hot pursuit, and then whipping out respective firearms and blasting each other in a hotel parking lot.
6) GLEN RICE BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ESTRANGED WIFE'S DANCE TEACHER
Glen Rice always struck me as a low-key dude, content to collect huge paychecks and just hang around the perimeter dropping threes. That may be true 99.9999% of the time, but when he visits his estranged wife and there's a male aerobics instructor hiding in her closet, he goes batshit crazy and chokes that pansy-ass out. The charges were eventually dropped, but this still goes down as a crime because it was so goddamn hilarious. Someone should start a "1 Million Strong for Glen Rice" group on Facebook because choking out the aerobics instructor tagging your wife is righteous.
5) CARMELO ANTHONY GETS A DUI You might think that given all the violence against women and unregistered handgun waving that has gone on before this entry that a simple DUI is nowhere nearly as bad. You're wrong, because when Paul Pierce was asked, during the NBA finals, what the difference was between him and Melo, Pierce answered, "I don't have a DUI." When that's the first thing that pops to the mind of a fellow NBA superstar, you know that your crime has made a difference. Ironically, Pierce was almost busted for a DUI this summer, but managed to somehow get out of it.
4) KARL MALONE'S pedophilia revealed. Sometimes you just get a feeling about some people, and didn't we all think that Karl Malone was a hypocritical ass back in the day, even before we knew about his illegitimate kids or his desire to bone Kobe's wife? Even those of us that found him skeezy back in the days when he was so popular he was rumored to be running for the governor of Utah were shocked when we heard the news about Demetrius Bell. Now, some will argue that the statute of limitations should let the Mailman skate on this one, but I would argue back that he had a child with a 13-year-old while he was a sophomore in college, tried to deny the child was his, then settled out of court, then completely ignored and rejected the poor kid for the next 20-something years, ongoing. In the NBA, land of the deadbeat dad, Karl Malone is king, and he will always be king. That's part of his legacy now, along with being the worst clutch superstar ever. Even Jason Caffey thinks that's cold, Mailman!
3) DOZENS OF HOOLIGANS ARRESTED FOR HOOLIGANISM; ONE DIES IN JAIL, AFTER THE CELTICS WIN THE NBA TITLE.
Congrats, Boston, for continuing a proud tradition of rioting and getting killed after your team wins a title. The best kind of crime to mock is the crime that you could have predicted months or even years in advance, but gives you a twist, and this one did not disappoint.
The Celtics came into the season with a ton of hype, dominated the regular season, wobbled their way through the playoffs before dethroning the defending conference champs in an amazing seventh game, beating the piss out of the most overrated team of the decade, and then dominate their most-hated rival to win their first championship Talk about the ultimate buzzkill! Well-mannered fans go out on the town to celebrate a well-earned and long-coming championship, only to have their car torched by some troglodytes from Northeastern and sprayed with tear gas. Thanks to these guys, Boston's reputation as an beautiful academic mecca has been replaced with a bunch of crazed, splotchy-faced pasty winos from Connecticut with potbellies and tattoos that look like they could be bought at the grocery store vending machine. Glad your parents could bail you out, because I'm sure Northeastern was missing a couple dozen 27-year-old sophomores.
2) NBA REF ADMITS TO TAMPERING WITH GAMES TARGETED BY THE MOB
Formerly known for setting his neighbor's tractor on fire and, Tim Donaghy entered the world of fixing games sometime a couple years ago. Nobody who follows the league was shocked, because for years we had been told that sketchy outcomes were just the result of general incompetence. Nope! Some of them were the result of a ref conspiring with the mob!
In a world where sportswriters go on TV and scream at each other in 20-second bursts for arbitrarily assigned points, I will never understand why this outrageous scandal didn't spawn more outrage. This guy got away with it for years! And it worked! And it took an FBI investigation to figure it out! While David Stern appears to be right that Donaghy was a "rogue" criminal... it should continue to piss off paying customers of the league. Stern thinks that hiring some retired Army general is going to change the league- but he only cares about the perception of the league. The investigation that concluded yesterday advocated for greater transparency, rules changes, compliance function improvements, and my personal favorite, increased effort to "alleviate any concern that a complaint will lead to special focus on a player or team in a series."
Right. We expect the commish, who shrouds everything in secrecy and rules with the benevolence of the emperor in Star Wars, to do nothing. As long as he's selling Lebron jerseys, he won't do a damn thing. Except, maybe...
1) DAVID STERN RAPES THE WHOLE CITY OF SEATTLE
Sure, there are worse crimes on this list in the eyes of the law. However, with few exceptions, the parties responsible were held accountable. Actual rapists were arrested, breathalizers were properly administered, and dance instructors were severely beaten. However, the fearless leader of the NBA, along with a misanthropic billionaire supervillian, conspired to screw over in ways that Art Modell would only dream.
To see what a two-face Stern is, check out this clip:
Then check out this clip:
A couple years ago, Bill Simmons thought that David Stern should be president. While I may have been dubious about both the Ray Allen AND Kevin Garnett trades, I am proud of the fact that I*Heart*Celtics is a pretty decent judge of who is an incompetent egomaniac douchebag. We said two years ago, before any of this ref scandal garbage was going on, before Clay Bennett was a national figure, that the NBA should 1) get better refs, 2) call fouls for flopping, 3) give more technical fouls for boorish behavior, and 4) STOP EXPANDING. I don't care what anyone says, the Oklahoma City Orange Blast, or Extreme Raspberry Wave, or whatever Powerade flavor/horrible name they are calling that franchise- is an EXPANSION TEAM.
HOW HAS THAT WORKED OUT FOR NEW ORLEANS, CHARLOTTE, VANCOUVER, AND MEMPHIS?
Keep on taking thriving, well-liked franchises in major markets and moving them to the set of the Grapes of Wrath! Keep on playing exhibition games in London and pretending as though that is helping the league! Keep on imposing completely arbitrary guidelines for the draft! Keep on thinking that you don't need to worry about competition from leagues overseas! Keep on pretending as though Donaughy was a "rogue agent," considering all of your brilliant checks and balances did NOTHING to discover him! Keep thinking that making small superficial changes will quell the rising discontent of your ever-shrinking fanbase! A fish rots from the head, and until someone can boot that gremlin from the top spot this league will continue its downward spiral.
David Stern, since your crappy leadership and massive ego are single-handedly destroying the league we love, YOU have earned the top TWO spots on our NBA crime list. Despite the best efforts of the likes of JR Rider and Dennis Rodman, you're #1. Congratulations, asshole.Source URL: http://ledger-heath.blogspot.com/2008/10/top-nba-crimes-of-year.html
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