Monday, March 9, 2009

STEPHON MARBURY FEARLESSLY LEADS CELTICS TO ANNOYING LOSS AGAINST ORLANDO MAGIC



    STAN VAN GUNDY INSISTS YOU CAN THROW A CUPCAKE INTO HIS MOUTH FROM THAT DISTANCE



    With Rondo out with a sprained ankle, KG out with a knee injury, Tony Allen out with knees apparently held together with scotch tape and chewing gum, and the Fat Boys- Scals and Big Baby- sidelined with high cholesterol, the Celtics dropped a somewhat important game to the Orlando Magic at home yesterday afternoon. While the victory against the Cavs on Friday mostly made up for it, considering the Celtics now own that tiebreaker (when combined with division record), it made us tremble in fear at the prospect of Stephon Marbury leading this team for any period of time during the stretch run. True, the head-tattooed, intern-in-the-back-of-a-truck sexing malcontent has not played any mindgames that we know about since he said that he would "let his game speak for itself" regarding backing up Rajon. However, his strategy should probably not include letting his game speak for itself. Bad strategy. Starbury was -14 for the game, with 3 turnovers against just 1 assist in 21 minutes. It was not a good display. He piloted the C's to an awful first quarter, and he was matched up against defensive dynamo Rafer Alston- a player who six years ago wouldn't even be allowed to be the designated car-starter in Stephon's posse. I will still give Stephon some time to get back into things, I guess, but between this and getting repeatedly stripped at halfcourt by Will Bynum, I am less than impressed.

    On the good side, Gabe Pruitt played 2 minutes and early reports are that he wasn't completely shitfaced at the time. I would say that he had the worst-timed DUI in NBA history, but then I remembered that Eric Musselman, coach of the Sacramento Kings, got busted for a DUI during the preseason of his first year with the team. This also came after Rick Adelman was fired after 8 consecutive winning seasons and right before the city voted on a ballot initiative to build a new stadium. Musselman never got control of the Kings and the team has sucked ever since. Now, Musselman has a blog. Awesome. By comparison, Gabe's DUI doesn't look that bad, but if he gets more than 2 mpg the rest of the way, I will be shocked.

    The bad news, going forward, is that the Celtics will have the worst bench perhaps in NBA history until we get some of our boys back. The good news is that, similar to the Gabe Pruitt DUI situation, there are teams that are much, much worse than the Celtics even with KG, Rondo, Scals, Tony Allen, and Big Baby out. The main foreseeable problem is that every one of the Celtics' remaining post players is foul prone. We all know about Perk's foul woes, but Big Baby had 5 fouls in 15 minutes before getting hurt, Powe fouled out in 30 minutes, and Mikki Moore had 3 fouls in 15 minutes. Now with Big Baby out and Mikki presumably taking his minutes, you have what- Bill Walker playing the 5, with Paul Pierce at the 4!? Doc will have to get pretty creative. Maybe he will install this offense. I am now reconsidering my dismissal of Gabe Pruitt.... does he have any post game?

    The Celtics have the Miami Heat on Wednesday. Doc had better get that Grinnell College offense humming by Tuesday night. Prediction: Celtics 176, Heat 175. Eddie House scores 90 points on 30 three-pointers.

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